


a great big banana shit

by kymanenthusiast



Category: South Park
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Kyman - Freeform, M/M, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Updates Maybe, and any grammar errors or general writing flaws im rusty its been a couple months, at first but then it develops, bc i love ike, butters is only mentioned, cartman is alyssa, craig is only mentioned, end of the fucking world au, ends on a cliffhanger, i dont know how detailed ill make the violence, i might add my own ending., i thought of this the other night when i binged teotfw and was like hey that might fit, idk how to fit ike in im so sorry, ill put more info in notes in each chapter, ill try to include him somehow, ill update tags as i keep writing, kyle is james, liane is a bad mother, most likely, only my second time posting here so pls forgive formatting errors, personalities are really fucking different from sp canon, question marks???, rewriting of script, sheila is dead, to fit the au, tony is just some random dude, too many tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-10 13:21:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13502368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kymanenthusiast/pseuds/kymanenthusiast
Summary: im kyle.im 17.and im pretty sure im a psychopath.eric cartman was new.hed started that term.i thought he could be interesting to kill.so i pretended to fall in love with him.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is gonna be a mess of a fic just a warning.  
> this is based off of the end of the fucking world, and most of it will be a rewrite of the script, but im also going to add some dialogue of my own and make scenes more detailed and such so its actually readable. theyre gonna be really ooc, especially kyle, so it fits the whole eotfw au, but hopefully its not too drastic.  
> i suggest watching the show, and/or listening to the show soundtrack before or during reading!! i listened to the soundtrack while writing and based the writing on how the show goes so it might add to thereading.  
> this first chapter only covers the first few minutes of the first episode to start setting it up and showing the characters and their personalities in this fic/au so its going to be short buti promise ill add more soon hfhdhf  
> this is my second time posting on ao3, so i apologize for any mistakes i make! thx for taking the time to read this shit.

I’m Kyle.

I’m 17.

And I’m pretty sure I’m a psychopath.

 

I was eight when I realized I didn’t have a sense of humor.

 

-

 

_“ Why doesn’t the queen wave with this hand?” Gerald queried, with a grin on his face. “Huh? Why doesn’t the queen wave with this hand? Because it’s my hand!”_

 

-

 

I’d always wanted to punch my dad in the face.

 

When I was nine, he bought a deep fat fryer.

He saw it on a Canadian shopping channel.

One day, I put my hand in it.

I wanted to make myself feel something.

 

When I was 15, I took my neighbor’s cat in a box and took it into the woods.

It probably had an actual name. They always called it Mr. Kitty.

After that, I killed more animals.

And I remember every single one.

 

School was beneath me, but it was a good place for observation and selection.

Because I had a plan.

I was going to kill something bigger.

Much bigger.

 

* * *

 

_“Hey. I’ve seen you skating. You’re pretty shit,” I sneered._

_“Fuck off.” the ginger snapped._

 

-

 

I get these moments when I have to lie down because everything feels like too much.

And I look up at the sky and see the blue, or the grey, or the black, and I feel myself melting into it.

And, for like, a split second, I feel free and happy.

Innocent,

like a dog,

or an alien,

or a baby.

 

-

 

_“Your presence is required, young man,”_

_“Why are you talking like Downton Abbey?”_

_“Just get inside and help.”_

 

-

 

My mom used to be nice,

but then she met some well paying client, named Tony.

Last week, he said he thought I needed bigger clothes.

So I threw a chicken kiev at his head.

Mom pretended that she hadn’t heard him.

 

Now she has the perfect house and the perfect garden, in the perfect neighborhood with perfect twins.

 

Well,

their heads do smell nice, though,

it’s true.

 

I haven’t seen my dad since I was too young to remember.

He never fitted in, he couldn’t settle, so he had to leave. They divorced.

I don’t blame him.

But he sends me a card, without fail, every single birthday.

I understand, actually.

I don’t trust people who fit in.

 

-

 

_“ Is this from you?” I yelled angrily, turning the screen of my phone to the black haired boy sitting across from me, glued to his phone as always._

_“What?” he replied in that nasally voice._

_“What the fuck?”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m here. I’m literally here, Craig”_

_“It’s free.” he deadpanned._

_Everyone surrounding the table turned to watch as I stood up and shattered my phone on the ground._

 

-

 

I’m not saying he’s the answer,

but he’s something.


	2. lets leave this shithole town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning in advance for any mistakes made in this chapter (spelling, grammar, plot details, etc), i havent edited yet and its almost 2am and im too tired to do that tn i just wanted to finish this and upload it already so i can work on the next chapter lmao. ill go over it and edit it soon.

_i’m not saying he’s the answer._

_but he’s something._

-

I strolled over to the near empty table across the lunchroom, spotting a boy with a bright green ushanka and red freckles littered all over his pale skin, sitting alone with headphones on.

“Hey,” I began.

“Hey.”

“I’ve seen you skating.”

_i haven’t_

“You’re pretty shit.” I sneered.

“Fuck off,” he snapped.

I walked away.

 

* * *

 

_eric cartman was new._

_he’d started that term._

_i thought he could be interesting to kill._

I sat waiting on a bench outside of the school. My skateboard rested near my leg. The leafy plants surrounding me from behind rustled slightly in the wind. If you listened closely you could hear birds chirping in the distance. I inhaled the crisp, fresh air deeply. Footsteps started approaching from around the corner and I turned my head slightly.

Cartman rounded the corner and turned towards me, a swing in his step, arrogance radiating off of him. His bold red jacket swayed slightly with his steps and his teal and yellow beanie slouched on his head, pompom bouncing with his steps too, and a few tufts of his brown hair peeked out from under and framed his round, full face. Stopping a few feet away from me he looked down at me. I glanced up slightly to meet his blue eyes.

“Are you waiting for me?” He demanded.

 

_so i pretended to fall in love with him._

 

Cartman strided over to me and sat down. He began making out with me. His lips on mine, aggressively kissing me, despite the fact I was barely kissing back. I stared into the distance and pretended to go along with it.

After a few minutes of that, he grabbed my hand and went to place it on his thigh. He paused with his kissing and looked up at me.

“What happened to your hand?” He queried.

“Shut up.” I said in reply.

We resumed our (mostly) one sided makeout session.

-

Cartman walked home with me in silence. There was a breeze with a slight chill. Crows cawed in the distance as we walked. For the most part, it was just the sound of our shoes lightly crunching on the bits of gravel on the road. Cartman was the first to break the silence.

“I don’t have a phone,”

“Okay.”

“I smashed it,”

“Okay.”

“Like, on purpose,” he drawled once again.

“Okay.” was my only response. Cartman rolled his eyes, seeming aggravated by my clipped and repetitive responses or lack of enthusiasm or interest in him. Maybe all three.

“I don’t have a phone either.” I finished.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I hate them.” I concluded.

 

_i knew that people in love went out on dates._

 

Together we walked in silence for a few moments longer. My arm gently brushed against his bag that was slung across one shoulder every few steps. “Do you want to go on a date?” Slipped from my lips. “With me?” I concluded. My eyes glanced to my left, analyzing his response. The larger boy slowed his pace slightly, and furrowed his eyebrows together. Confusion and curiosity washed over his face in the form of a small smile and a cocked eyebrow as he turned towards me.

 

_he said yes._

-

Slipping into a small booth next to the front window of the small diner I took in the homely restaurant. Smooth red and white vinyl padding covered the booths seats and felt cool against my back, a pleasant sensation against the previous warmth of the outside from the changing season gradually transitioning into summer. Along the windows the blinds were open, allowing a view of the road just outside of the small parking lot. U.K. flags adorned the walls. Rows of condiments and menus advertising the latest specials and foods lined the side of the table closest to the window, including the basic ketchup, mustard, salt, and pepper. My eyes briefly passed over the menu in my hands before I chose what I’d order for the day.

Minutes had passed since we were seated, and a waitress approached our table. She appeared to be middle-aged, maybe leaning towards the older side. Her dark hair was parted in the middle and pulled into a low ponytail, and she had a pale pink hat with a white trim. There was slight, messy eyeliner around her eyes and her lips were painted in a bright red lipstick. She wore a pale pink dress with a white collar, and a blue grey cardigan draped over her shoulders. Eric examined his menu once more and turned it towards the waiter, whose name tag read “Delta.” Politely he asked “Is this true,” while pointing at the statement in large letters along the back of the sheet.

“One of the top ten greatest English dining experiences,” she mumbled. “Yeah! Right, can I take your orders?”

“Uh, I-” I tried to begin, only to be interrupted by Eric interjecting immediately.

“I will have a banana split with extra cherries,”

“Mhm,”

“Some blueberry pancakes,”  
“Mhm,”

“...And a hot chocolate with cream,” he stated, looking at the waiter with feigned amusement and a forced, insincere laugh when the waitress giggled with the small comment “Heh, are you hungry?”

“And... an extra fucking spoon.” finished Eric nonchalantly, not even looking up from his menu. Delta wore an appalled expression on her face.

“Okay, I’m sorry, but you can’t use language like that, otherwise I’m going to have to ask you and your boyfriend to leave.”

At the term ‘boyfriend’ I glanced up, looking first at Delta, then Cartman. The latter looked up at her with an innocent face.

“Okay,” he mocked before sincerely continuing.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry. I will have… a great big banana _shit_ , with extra _fucking_ cherries on the top of it,” he announced. I choked down a laugh and suppressed a grin as Delta turned and shouted “Okay, sorry, that’s it, Marvin!” to the back of the diner. Not one moment after she finished Eric butted in again.

“ _MARVIN!_ Oh _yeah_ , go get Marvin. See if Marvin can make a banana split for me, you _fucking cunt!_ ” he spat while folding his hands together on the table and stared at her with a gleam of defiance in his eyes.

The brunette grabbed his red jacket off the place it sat on the end of the seat and got up from the table as he swung it on and began walking out and stormed out the door. Shocked, Delta whipped back and forth, first staring at the door that the other boy had just walked out of, then at me, mouth gaping. Putting on an expression of guilt I squeezed out of the booth and edged around the waitress and grabbed my skateboard before quickly following Cartman out of the building.

-

_it seems that cartman has some issues._

-

The walk back home was eerily similar to the walk we had when I asked him on the date. I found the silence peaceful. Shoes skipping along the pavement as we walked and I carried my skateboard with, birds chirping in the trees around us. Church bells could be heard in the distance. Said silence was broken by Cartman declaring “I think we live in the most boring town on the planet,”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Everyone’s so fucking square,”

“Well, they’ve got money, they feel safe,” I reasoned.

“Are you boring, too?” he demanded as he halted in the middle of the road, facing me.

“No.”

Passing a few more houses Cartman pointed over to a young red haired woman standing outside of her house, Carol McCormick.

“She’s the only cool person in this town.”

“Her?” I wondered.

“Yeah. She’s done stuff. She was probably a spy, and had, like, 15 abortions when it was illegal or something. She has lived.”

“Really?”

“Whatever.” he replied, before continuing down the road.

More minutes of walking in silence. Again, Cartman was the first to begin talking. By this point it’s become routine. If there’s quiet, the brunette has to make noise, has to have the attention on him. “Can we go to your house?” he asked.

Images of him covered in blood laying on the wood floor of my house flashed through my mind.

I simply responded with a “Yeah. Sure.” The rest of the walk was spent in silence.

-

We walked up the driveway leading to my house.

“Why do you live in such a weird house?” Cartman demanded.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s too many windows,” he whined

“Maybe.” I said placidly, continuing straight towards the door. The brunette paused behind me and watched me, confused, or maybe aggravated at my response, or lack thereof.

I led Cartman inside the house, opening the door for him and standing aside while the larger boy pushed his way through the entrance. Nothing more than a quick glance around the entryway was spent as I shut the door before he continued through the house like he owned the place.

Turning into the living room, Cartman took in his surroundings briefly before throwing his bag nonchalantly onto the couch.

I stood in the walkway leading into the room and watched as he began to inspect everything in the room. Striding over to a small table against the wall he grabbed a framed photo off of the surface and looked over it.

“Is that your mom?” he questioned. I looked at the image of Sheila. She had her usual bright red hair done up, and her traditional white shirt blue coat red skirt combo. “Yeah,” I replied quietly. Feeling the need to fill the silence I continued. “She lives in Japan.” A lie.

“You look like her.” he decided, before continuing to the next room.

-

We ended up outside in the backyard. We sat side by side on a wooden swing, one of the ones that fits two people and has a cover on the top and is supposed to be all romantic. It’s not.

“This is pretty retro,” Cartman commented while feeling the chains holding up the seat and running his hand along the wood.

“I don’t like it.” I replied.

“Why not?” he asked, almost seeming offended.

Memories of sitting here with Sheila and Ike ran through my mind.

“I just don’t.”

Silence fell over us as we leisurely sat in the chair while it swung lightly, the breeze going through our hair. Cartman rested his hand on my upper thigh, and I tensed up at the sudden contact. The two of us continued sitting in the quiet.

-

_eric was kind of a satyriasis._

-

Once back inside the house we went to the kitchen. Cartman decided to make food, toast specifically. He buttered the toast generously and turned around to face me before he started eating. Casually leaning against the counter he took a large bite out of the slightly burnt toast, arms crossed against his chest.

More images of his blood covered body passed through my head.

He caught me staring.

“What?” he demanded, snapping me out of my daze.

“Huh?” slipped out of my lips, but before i could say anything else a door slammed across the house. Clearly being my dad. “Oh, no,” I muttered.

Footsteps approached from the other end of the house, nearing closer. Gerald appeared in the doorway, overly cheerful. “The hunter has returned! Cheers!” he declared, bumping his bottle of beer against Eric’s slice of toast, and clapping me hard on the back, interrupting us. Sitting at the seat to my left he decided to continue speaking. “Wow, this is nice,”

“What is?” Eric interrupted

“This. You two. Huh? What a relief, I’ll tell you what. I’ve never been sure if he even, you know.” He said, making a jerking motion with his hand. “I always thought there was something wrong with him.”

 

_i actually masturbated once a week for medical purposes._

_i knew it wasn’t good to let things build up._

 

“I thought, probably, he was gay. Which he apparently is, and that’s fine, like, obviously, but here you are!” Gerald rambled on nervously. He’d always been a little bitch about these things.

“Maybe I’m straight. Maybe he’s asexual. We’re dealing with a really broad spectrum these days.” Eric drawled snarkily. Defeat passed over Gerald’s face and Eric left from the table.

-

After that ordeal we went back outside. Cartman sat next to me on the edge of the garage roof. There were still birds chirping, but now it was evening and the sun was starting to set. The sky was cloudy and void of color, a dull grey.

“Your dad is a prick.”

“Yeah, I know. Sometimes I feel like punching him in the face.” I commented.

“You should definitely do that,” Eric said decidedly.

“Have you ever sucked a dick before?” he said suddenly.

 

_it was important to be confident in moments like these._

 

“Yeah, a few.”

A lie.

“I want you to suck mine.” the brunette declared.

“Now?” I questioned, almost surprised by the sudden demand, but not quite because it’s Eric Fucking Cartman, there’s not much you can expect from him.

“Tomorrow. I’ll be here at 11.” he decided. After that he left. He walked home alone.

-

_i was ready at 11._

_actually, i was ready at 10. it was important to work out the exact logistics beforehand. when it got to 12, i started to think he might not be coming. i kept repositioning the knife under the pillows, shifting positions, trying to find the best place to sit to do follow through with this plan. the blade felt smooth and cool in my hand. it was the hunting knife my father gave me for my 13th birthday._

_the clock ticked away the minutes in the silence, echoing my growing worries._

 

* * *

 

_sometimes i worry that i ruin things. but, i feel, i don’t know._

_i feel comfortable with him._

_sort of safe._

-

“Eric. Eric!” my mother said as she entered my room, dress clothes in her arms.

“What?” I snapped, not in the mood to deal with her; or any other people for that matter.

“Put these on and come downstairs.”

“What?” Confusion passed over me before she responded, reminding me.

“The party!”

“No way, I told you, I’m going out,” I argued, desperate to get out of the house and follow through with my plans.

“I am not having this argument again, Eric.”  
“Mom, there’s no way.”

“Please, poopsykins? I want you to be there. For me.”

There was no way of getting out of this one. Sighing deeply I grabbed the clothes and reluctantly changed, taking as much time as possible. This was not something I was looking forward to. I never did.

-

Expectations were higher than the results. It was absolutely, utterly fucking terrible. Feigning interest I wandered around the yard holding the tray of appetizers in my right hand, stuffing my face with them using my other hand. No one remotely interesting was there. I can’t possibly think of anything worse to do today than this. Awaiting permission to leave I leaned against a table while continuing to eat.

“Right, those aren’t for you. Hand them around… Hello!” Liane reminded me before trailing off to talk to another guest again. Fuck that. On my trip back inside to the kitchen various guests grabbed the pitiful snacks off the platter.

Browsing the fridge I put a bottle of beer away. Closing the fridge door, Tony appeared behind it. I immediately regretted closing it.

“All right?”

“Go away,” I grumbled.

“Here,” the older man offered, holding a bottle of beer out to my face, “Have a beer. Chill out.” I reluctantly grabbed it from his hand after a moment of hesitation.

“Thanks, Tone,” I replied dryly before pushing past him. “This is bullshit. Your life is bullshit,” I said while turning my head to look at him from the counter briefly before turning back.

“Well, if you hate it so much,” he began, walking up behind me, “Leave.” he finished in my ear. “I’m serious. Do us all a favor.”

Tony moved to instead stand besides me rather than behind. “You look good when you make a bit of an effort, don’t you?” he said, placing his hand on my lower back, before slowly trailing away.

-

_while standing on the balcony overlooking the yard, watching all the guests mingle and liane make her way through all of them one by one, i came to a realization._

_sometimes, everything is suddenly really simple._

_it’s like everything shifts in a moment. and you step out of your body. out of your life._

_you step out and you see where you are, really clearly._

_you see yourself, and you think_

_fuck_

_this_

_shit._

-

As I pounded on his door I began yelling his name. “Kyle!”

When he opened the door, I pushed my way in, beginning to undress as I went to the living room.

_i think being angry and sad at the same time really turns me on._

“Come here.” I said after sitting down on the couch waiting for him.

_i kind of think i could fall in love with him._

_also, he has a car._

 

* * *

 

 

_i wondered if it’d be easier to slit his throat if i flipped him around._

_whether it’d be better not to see his face, but then, the angle._

_it was a conundrum._

Cartman’s pressing voice pulled me out of my thoughts, snapping me back to reality. The reality where I was on the couch, my knife under the pillows and gripped in my hand to one side of me, Cartman in a shirt and boxers on the other, head draped over the back of the couch exposing his neck and his adam’s apple.

“What?” I asked, still dazed.

“Let’s get out of here,” he announces, sitting up suddenly, surprising me and making me let go of the knife and shove it back under the pillows.

“What?”

“I’m serious, let’s leave this shithole town, now. You hate it, I hate it, our parents are dickheads, you’ve got a car-” Eric rambled.

“It’s my dad’s.”

“Who’s a dickhead,” he emphasized.

“I’m going whether you come with me or not. You in?”

-

_please say yes_

-

_i figured, i wasn’t in a rush._

“Yeah, all right.” I answered, and went to slip my knife back into my pocket or boot unnoticed as he began to get up and dressed again and headed towards the door. As he walked outside I rushed to follow. Gerald was just arriving home. Stepping out of his old car he began to greet me, but I had other plans. I surged ahead and punched him in the face. Hard.

Taking the keys, Cartman and I jumped into the car before my dad regained enough sense to work through what we were doing. Starting the car up again, we sped out of the driveway and screeching down the street, only slowing once we had gotten a few streets away.

_i didn’t know where we were going or when i was going to kill him, but i punched my dad in the face and stole his car and that felt like a good place to start._

“Are you scared?” he asked, and I briefly glanced over at the brunette in the seat to my right before looking back at the road.

“I dunno. A bit, maybe.” I answered truthfully.

We looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds, a grin emerging on his face.

“I’m not.”

-

_he probably should have been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading !!! this is my first time actually trying to keep a fic that i update consistently and that is more than only a few thousand words, and im pretty proud of myself for keeping it up so far. but we'll see how that goes bc my ass just Loves to procrastinate and slack off whoops. anyway, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated <3 feedback is too!! i hope this chapter is up to standard so far haha
> 
> my eyes burn.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this little introduction was decent enough.  
> if you have any feedback/comments please leave them below!!! i luv luv comments n kudos <3  
> i hope that my formatting wasnt too hard to follow, either. i tried to figure out a way to make the switches in the pov and dialogue more understandable so it flows like the show does, because that was my goal but im not sure if it turned out how i wanted. theres so many changes in pov throughout the whole show along w flashbacks and sudden conversation and shit its hard to turn it into writing thats not just a plain script but im tryin yall


End file.
